Me and My "not so" Romantic Ending

Mark_Oh

Hi, i'm 23 yrs old Indonesian Chinese boy who live in Jakarta for 5 years already. After i graduated from my architecture faculty, i come out to my friends, as 22 years old virgin gay boy. Yes, virgin.

Living in the closet for 22 years, i never know about the gay dating app and not interest to explore about the gay world. Not because i hate the fact that i am gay, but that time i still not sure about what i'm going to do. Should i live inside the closet forever but having "fun" discreetly?? or should i be open and live my life?? So, i decide to focus on my study and work till i found the answer.

After graduated, i naturally open with some of my closest friends. All of them straight and so supportive to me. Then i realize that being gay is just as normal as being a straight. And surely after that, i try to open the opportunity to have a relationship. I try Grindr and Tinder. Found some nice guys, we chat, sometimes meet. But from most of the guys that i met, i found some options that available for me:
1. one night stand
2. being friend
3. being fuckbuddy
4. having discreet "uncommitment" relationship

with no offense, none of that options interest me. With no long explanation, i end up having no relationship at all

till i found this guy. two years older than me. an IT guy in big company. I always attract with someone who is smarter than me (in my perspective), so i'm instlatly "baper" with him. the first time we do not chat a lot till one day he said if i could come to my place. He is "horny".

what a typical Grindr date... meeting just for sex... i dissapointed...
but unexpectedly i said "yes you could come"

I think my mind got blurry that time with the excitement to meet this guy and the chances to know him better.
Who knows that he could be my first? That's what my heart keep telling me that time.

The minute he enter my room, he slowly touch my shoulder with his warm hands. He kissed me, and let me lay on my bed. I hug him back and kiss him passionately. I can feel how his fingers start pulling down my shorts.

That day. I lost my virginity.

my thought after that's only if he keep contacting me after this, he might be not just looking for sex...
and he did contacting me after that...
Happy? of course, at least i can erase the first and second option on the list that i mention before... not a one night stand, and surely this is more than just a friend.

One day, we meet again. It's hard to arrange a date with him because he is so discreet about the fact that he is a bisexual, so he prefer to meet me at my place, not in public. At the other side, i live with my straight friends. So, we can meet only when my friends not around.

I am so tired or my work that time. I am not good at my job, i often got yelled by some of the client and i easily got stressed. But the idea having someone care of you, it release the burdens on my chest.

I'm not often told him how happy i am finally can have someone who care of me. I'm a 22 years old virgin that time, what do you expect from me? Surely i'm not good in dating :P

On that tiring day, i told him about what i think...
I want a clear status...
clear relationship...
I want him to be my boyfriend...

He said, "yes, why not?"

That time, i feel unsure. there's not such a feeling that makes me happy when listen to his answer.
After that, i feel i am just his fuckbuddy with a discreet "boyfriend" status.

and that's not what i want
i want someone who care for me and always be there for me when i need...

We have a fight,
he said, "from all of the boy that i ever meet, i treat you the best. But you expect more..."

I am super sad... by giving a person an apple while that person wish an orange, doesn't mean that person want more from you. It just, what you have is not always what your love one want.
Me too.... i cant give what he want... i can;t be his fuckbuddy just like he can;t be my boyfriend

"If you want to have a serious relationship, i can introduce you to my friend. he is quite serious. i hate the fact i did this, but if that's makes you happy, i'll do it".

"just because there's someone what to have serious realtionship, i instantly want to date him, not instantly have the same feeling like i have with you."

There's no point debating , i guess we are over...


I miss him... i wish i never start the fight, but i dont want to lie to my self by having a life that i dont want.
but my feeling towards him is stronger than my idealism.
i throw away my pride and start chat him first.
he reply with short words

"Hm..."

"Okay..."

"I see..."

"Oh..."

How i feel?
Sad...

But yeah if this is the end let just make it clear,

"R u decide to end this?
I dont want to such a shameless bitch That looking for ur attention And annoy u
So if by not disturbing u anymore makes u happe And comfortable...
I guess have No choice
Everyone deserve to be happy... And u too
Babay "

The exact messages that i send to him,
let's not talk about how he reply, because it will just make this story sadder :")
And that's my not so romantic ending...

i do think maybe in gay world i can't find someone who really hold on same value with me,
the one who i can proudly having double date with my straight friend
the one who want to learn about how to understand each other more than want to have sex

do i regret know him?
i think no... i still like him as a person, and i wish we both can find someone who really belong to us

Good night everyone

Silvestr

CalvintheAlien wrote: »

Iyewh cinak mitamit

Adrian69

@Mark_Oh

You're still young and you have a full life ahead of you.
Use this as a learning experience - don't wallow too deep in your self-created sadness, stand up and brush the dust off your coat and keep on moving forward.

Of course you always want the one who popped your cherry to be "the one" but honey, things like that don't happen that often.
We're all adults and if we decided to have consensual s*x it's up to us. You can always say "NO" if you don't want it to happen. Did you?
You should be aware that you're the one who puts him on the spot, you push him to that corner. You want commitment on the second date? Seriously?
Being young and inexperienced - you want a commitment right now, while the norm out there - for anyone, gay or straight - is to get to know the other person first before you commit.

It's nice to find someone you can chat and relate with online, and the correct thing to do after all those online chats is to get to know the person - personally.
You can learn his habits - like a favorite food, or he has a tendency to guffaw when he laugh, or how he always arrange his food before he eats, things that you won't learn online.
And it's just fair the other person will also make the same observation on you.

These dating sessions is the right way for you to get to know each other more and can assess if this relationship is worth keeping.
Treat these dates as hanging out with a friend instead of overpreparing, overexpecting and overthinking everything because you want to snag this guy.
Time and compatibility will tell if yo guys have something good that is worth keeping and can move it to the next level - or should just part as friends.
And irregardless of whether transfer of body fluid involved (wkwkwk) - you should also have fun along the way

Finding Mr. Right don't happen overnight or after the first date. You may have to kiss a few frogs before you finally found a prince.
Don't be discouraged if it turns out to be just an ordinary frog. You have to let it go and throw it back to the pond.

Hope this can encourage you and makes you stronger to move forward with your search!
Good luck!

sinjai

same problem out there, newbies just got hook up for the first time who tried to turn it out as relationship. but failed. lesson learned.

CalvintheAlien

Cinak. Disgusting. Cancel yourself plz.

boyszki

Tldr.

iuss

ga pa2.
Masih banyak cowok di luar sana kok.

Dah biasa seperti itu.

Mark_Oh

> @Adrian69 menulis:
> @Mark_Oh
>
> You're still young and you have a full life ahead of you.
> Use this as a learning experience - don't wallow too deep in your self-created sadness, stand up and brush the dust off your coat and keep on moving forward.
>
> Of course you always want the one who popped your cherry to be "the one" but honey, things like that don't happen that often.
> We're all adults and if we decided to have consensual s*x it's up to us. You can always say "NO" if you don't want it to happen. Did you?
> You should be aware that you're the one who puts him on the spot, you push him to that corner. You want commitment on the second date? Seriously?
> Being young and inexperienced - you want a commitment right now, while the norm out there - for anyone, gay or straight - is to get to know the other person first before you commit.
>
> It's nice to find someone you can chat and relate with online, and the correct thing to do after all those online chats is to get to know the person - personally.
> You can learn his habits - like a favorite food, or he has a tendency to guffaw when he laugh, or how he always arrange his food before he eats, things that you won't learn online.
> And it's just fair the other person will also make the same observation on you.
>
> These dating sessions is the right way for you to get to know each other more and can assess if this relationship is worth keeping.
> Treat these dates as hanging out with a friend instead of overpreparing, overexpecting and overthinking everything because you want to snag this guy.
> Time and compatibility will tell if yo guys have something good that is worth keeping and can move it to the next level - or should just part as friends.
> And irregardless of whether transfer of body fluid involved (wkwkwk) - you should also have fun along the way
>
> Finding Mr. Right don't happen overnight or after the first date. You may have to kiss a few frogs before you finally found a prince.
> Don't be discouraged if it turns out to be just an ordinary frog. You have to let it go and throw it back to the pond.
>
> Hope this can encourage you and makes you stronger to move forward with your search!
> Good luck!

Thank you so much for the encouraging words , i do realize how dumb i am, but yeah, the past is in the past... i will focus on my things, let it go, and let it flow... Good luck for you too, God Bless

Mark_Oh

> @sinjai menulis:
> same problem out there, newbies just got hook up for the first time who tried to turn it out as relationship. but failed. lesson learned.

Yup, lesson learned

inibudi

I was 24 when I first having sex (with gay guy).
So, just relax and enjoy your process.

khonk

love is strange

udah gtu ajah
ddek g ngerti english

lulu_75

semua juga punya keinginan yang sama ... semoga mendapatkan yang terbaik ...

kurniaeric

i hope you can get your "true love", if not now, maybe once upon a day.. for being a good person you must know about "real" experience in your life.. thank for sharing @Mark_Oh

kurniaeric

Adrian69 wrote: »

@Mark_Oh

You're still young and you have a full life ahead of you.
Use this as a learning experience - don't wallow too deep in your self-created sadness, stand up and brush the dust off your coat and keep on moving forward.

Of course you always want the one who popped your cherry to be "the one" but honey, things like that don't happen that often.
We're all adults and if we decided to have consensual s*x it's up to us. You can always say "NO" if you don't want it to happen. Did you?
You should be aware that you're the one who puts him on the spot, you push him to that corner. You want commitment on the second date? Seriously?
Being young and inexperienced - you want a commitment right now, while the norm out there - for anyone, gay or straight - is to get to know the other person first before you commit.

It's nice to find someone you can chat and relate with online, and the correct thing to do after all those online chats is to get to know the person - personally.
You can learn his habits - like a favorite food, or he has a tendency to guffaw when he laugh, or how he always arrange his food before he eats, things that you won't learn online.
And it's just fair the other person will also make the same observation on you.

These dating sessions is the right way for you to get to know each other more and can assess if this relationship is worth keeping.
Treat these dates as hanging out with a friend instead of overpreparing, overexpecting and overthinking everything because you want to snag this guy.
Time and compatibility will tell if yo guys have something good that is worth keeping and can move it to the next level - or should just part as friends.
And irregardless of whether transfer of body fluid involved (wkwkwk) - you should also have fun along the way

Finding Mr. Right don't happen overnight or after the first date. You may have to kiss a few frogs before you finally found a prince.
Don't be discouraged if it turns out to be just an ordinary frog. You have to let it go and throw it back to the pond.

Hope this can encourage you and makes you stronger to move forward with your search!
Good luck!

I always adore your quote ka @adrian69.. you can give some advice wisely..

Adrian69

kurniaeric wrote: »

Adrian69 wrote: »

@Mark_Oh

You're still young and you have a full life ahead of you.
Use this as a learning experience - don't wallow too deep in your self-created sadness, stand up and brush the dust off your coat and keep on moving forward.

Of course you always want the one who popped your cherry to be "the one" but honey, things like that don't happen that often.
We're all adults and if we decided to have consensual s*x it's up to us. You can always say "NO" if you don't want it to happen. Did you?
You should be aware that you're the one who puts him on the spot, you push him to that corner. You want commitment on the second date? Seriously?
Being young and inexperienced - you want a commitment right now, while the norm out there - for anyone, gay or straight - is to get to know the other person first before you commit.

It's nice to find someone you can chat and relate with online, and the correct thing to do after all those online chats is to get to know the person - personally.
You can learn his habits - like a favorite food, or he has a tendency to guffaw when he laugh, or how he always arrange his food before he eats, things that you won't learn online.
And it's just fair the other person will also make the same observation on you.

These dating sessions is the right way for you to get to know each other more and can assess if this relationship is worth keeping.
Treat these dates as hanging out with a friend instead of overpreparing, overexpecting and overthinking everything because you want to snag this guy.
Time and compatibility will tell if yo guys have something good that is worth keeping and can move it to the next level - or should just part as friends.
And irregardless of whether transfer of body fluid involved (wkwkwk) - you should also have fun along the way

Finding Mr. Right don't happen overnight or after the first date. You may have to kiss a few frogs before you finally found a prince.
Don't be discouraged if it turns out to be just an ordinary frog. You have to let it go and throw it back to the pond.

Hope this can encourage you and makes you stronger to move forward with your search!
Good luck!

I always adore your quote ka @adrian69.. you can give some advice wisely..

Thank you @kurniaeric dan juga @Mark_Oh .

I know how it feels to be young and lonely and afraid, nobody to listen to what you have in mind, to take your thoughts seriously, and to turn to for advice.

Saya juga senang melihat banyak member di forum yang memberi tanggapan positif, encouraging dan memberi semangat supaya tetap tegar, dan keep on going.

Keep on hanging around forum and learn from others' experience guys, many things you posted here are good to know and to learn from.

Ascareus

Semangat aja ya cuy