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Comments
It's going to be the same this weekend, but I'll try to post at least one chapter.
Thank you for your kind words guys!
I'll be waitin' ....
Anyway, I feel so guilty for not finishing the story, I think @mllowboy told me in the beginning it is important to be consistent and try to finish at least one story, so I'm going to try at least that. Hope you guys are still interested to read it.
A shout out for @gray_side as per request. I'll be putting the next chapter soon. I'm looking forward for how the relationship between John and Chris develops.
Cheers,
I threw myself on my bed. Another new habit that I have gained over this trip. Expecting people to just pop their heads into my office, hugging Danny at the end of the day, and now this, throwing myself on the bed after a long day.
The unexpected dinner with Danny's family was alright, it was a bit weird, and at times it felt a bit like interrogation, but they were nice people. Danny was able to put aside his emotions and tried to be as easy going as he possible could, which helped a lot. They finally 'released' me only after I agreed to their requests, which was to let Danny take me back to the hotel, and that I would come to visit them again tomorrow. I got their permission for Danny to stay with me for the night so that he didn't to drive back tonight.
I looked at Danny lying on his back next to me.
He didn't even look tired at all.
He looked so peaceful.
"I love you too." He said without opening his eyes or turning his face.
"Hm?" I asked.
"In the park, you said you loved me. Well, I love you too." He opened his eyes but he still didn't look at me.
"You have no idea how much you means to me. Not only I was able to find closure with the lost of my older brother, but now I've got another brother that will look over me and take care of me. I love you and will always love you for that."
He turned and looked at me, and with a naughty smirked on his face he said "But you know, now in way that you love Chris."
"What?" I scoffed hard at him, rejecting his idea that I actually
"I don't love Chris, don't be silly. I ... what? Where did you get that from? I was just... I didn't... I..."
He had a big smile on his face telling me how much he enjoyed watching me stumbled with my own words.
"John, I'm just saying. you and I, we love each other in a non sexual way, despite of what happened the other night and despite what people would say if they knew about it. But with you and Chris, I just think..." He explained.
"What? You think it's not possible that I could have the same kind of thing with Chris." I stood up and confronted him.
I didn't know why I was so worked up, but I felt the need to defend myself.
He raised his left eyebrow which I took as a sign of not believing what I just said.
"Look, if I have to explain it to other people, I would probably say that what happened the other night was just a manifestation of your emotional state and my drunken state. But you and I know it's more than that. You..., we were connecting emotionally. Although it resulted in a physical/sexual experience, the connection was not propitiated solely by it.You and I know that, we're comfortable with that, probably because we're THAT "evolved", "open minded", "civilised","progressive" or whatever you want to call it."
"Now, don't you think what I feel about Chris could be similar sort of thing, maybe not like brotherly like you and me, but it could be... I don't... camaraderie... or or...,".
"NOW WHAT?" I stopped my explanation realising he wasn't listening to me anymore. Laughing so hard that he was literally rolling on the floor somehow gave me the sign of that. In front of me was the actual expression of ROFL.
"What is so funny?" I was still confused.
It took him awhile to control his laughter and when he finally did, he said, "I just love it when you are in denial and trying to convince yourself that you're right."
"What?"
"Do you know that not only you suddenly use all big words, but also your voice would go 3 octaves higher and you'd speed up to 100 km/hour when you do that?" He said still laughing and holding his tummy.
"Oh, grow up!" I was frustrated that I just went to the bathroom.
"Oh. John...com'on..." He said following me.
I stopped in front of the mirror and look at my own reflection. I could see my reddened face and my awful hair and how messy i looked.
Danny stood next to me and looked at me from the mirror.
"Look, I'm sorry that I was laughing at you, you're just so funny, you should see your face when you..." He stopped himself from further laughing and making fun of me.
He cleared his throat and changed his tone. "What I meant to say is that..."
"I know what you meant." I stopped him from explaining further.
"Chris makes fun of me when I do that too." I looked down as I made my confession. I could hear Danny sniffling trying not to laugh again.
"He called it the ultrasonic rap." I have a vivid picture of his face the last time he said that.
"He said that if I was a superhero, that would be my power."
"That's why I can never win an argument with him, because he would just break argument with his laughter." I bitterly smiled.
"Seems like he knows you well." Danny said quietly.
"I guess you could say that." I said trying not to blush.
"Then go to him. Go back home and tell him what you're been going through. If he's a smart guy like you said he is, he would know how lucky it is to have you."
I smiled in response without looking at Danny.
Telling Chris what I'm going through?
That I can't stop thinking about him?
That I missed him so terribly that I questioned my sexuality?
That I had a gay sex with somebody I consider as my brother and that I'm considering for more intimate relationship with him?
I'm not sure if that's a good idea or if I actually could do it.
But one thing is right, I need to go to him.
I need to go home.
The flight was long, but it was good.
I didn't expect less from the business class of Singapore Airlines
I got my own little corner, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't sleep.
I spent most of my time gathering my thoughts.
I was just waiting for my luggage when my phone rang.
"Gay Alan" showed up on my phone.
In our little group of close friends that Chris and I share, we have one Alan who was not just gay, but a flamboyant drama queen kind of gay. And then we have the straight Alan who was quite the opposite, straight and serious. Yet somehow they managed to be the best of friends.
"Hi Alan"
"Heiyaaa.....O...M...G. You're baaaack..." He was so loud I had to put my phone slightly away from my ear.
"Dude, chill.."
"What? No, you didn't just "dude" me? OK, I don't know what third world country you've just been, but first of all, you're in the wrong continent to use that. And second of all, you know dam well I am WAY too fabulous to be called a dude! And if you see what I'm wearing today and how.."
"Ok, ok..I know, I'm sorry..." Trying to stop him from torturing me with his high pitch rant.
"I'm sorry, you're not just a dude. You're a fabulous dude." I gave in to the urge to compliment him.
"Oh thank you. I missed you babe, all of us do. Even dull Alan, although no other human being would be able to read that from his expression."
I heard noises and arguments in the background.
"Hello? hello? Alan? are you still there?" I asked.
"Yeah honey, we're still here, all of us are here. We're waiting for you outside the gate."
I saw my bag on the conveyer belt and I was keeping an eye as it came closer to me.
"What? You guys are here? in the airport?"
"Yes, in the airport. Don't worry honey, I've got a pink board with your name. Oh my God, I can't wait to watch this. Ouch, ouww, stop pulling me...." Again, he seemed to be having another conversation.
"Listen John, I've got to go. Alan is dragging me out the terminal because he's embarrassed of me. See you soon darling. bye.. hey stop pull..."
"Wait. Hello? Hello?" There was no use, I got cut off, but right in time to pick up my bag.
I pulled it over the conveyer belt.
I was glad that I travelled light.
As I was into the green corridor for "nothing to declare", I smiled.
There was an irony that only I knew.
I did come back a big consideration of one big thing to declare, declaring my feelings to Chris.
Obviously custom and border agency lady office didn't get the joke when she noticed the big smile face.
She probably thought I lost my mind from the flight.
I tried to walk calmly so that she wouldn't feel the need to stop me.
I didn't want anymore delays, especially knowing that my friends were all waiting for me outside.
As I wade through waves of people coming out of the gate and people standing and waiting anxiously, I couldn't hide the fact that I was a bit overwhelmed.
Not just by the crowd, but by the height of emotions that were there. A father rushed through to grab hold of his returning daughter who was too embarrassed to show real emotion. Or the happy group of friends with their backpacks that were greeted by theirs family and friends in laughter and screams.
In the quieter corner, there was this family with one little boy in his father's hand. You could see the love in his eyes and he listened to the little boy telling things that his dad was missing. You could see how happy he was to see his son, and also the wife that couldn't hold back tears of joy as she watched them together, the two men that completed her life.
They looked really happy.
I wanted it to, whatever that is that makes them look so happy.
I wanted to find it.
I wanted him.
I walked out of terminal towards the car park.
"Of course it's raining, it's not London if it isn't." I said to myself.
I felt more of the feeling of coming home.
The cold wind, the rain, the surroundings.
I found the group on the other side of the terminal.
Some of them were waving at me.
I waved back as I walked towards them.
My eyes were searching for a face among those familiar happy faces.
Funny how in that moment, I couldn't picture his face.
I could see Sarah and Tony, Geoff and Mike and Kevin, and of course straight Alan holding back gay Alan by the shoulders.
But I couldn't find him in the group.
My heart sank as I realised he didn't come.
I stopped. I couldn't move forward.
I knew that my friends were there or me, and I loved them, and I was happy to see them too, but really, at this moment, I needed him. I shook as I realised more and more that Chris was who I was coming home to.
Fuck, what's wrong with me?
I looked down.
I couldn't believe that I wasn't able to control my emotion.
What is wrong with me?
I was happy, I was never been this troubled before with emotions and feelings.
My friends are there waiting for me.
I should be happy.
Get a grip man!
Control yourself!
The rain seemed to agree with me.
The sky seemed to cry for me.
I couldn't no longer hear anything else but the sound of the rain hitting the pavement.
The rain was hitting it hard and fast until I noticed a pair wet black leather shoes on it.
It was so slow, I could see the rain drops landing on the shoes and some on the black trousers on top of it.
I looked up and I wanted to look up quickly, but everything seemed to move in a slow motion.
I wanted to look up faster, to see the face, but no matter how much I tried, I failed.
I had to wait as my head slowly going up the figure beside me.
When I finally saw the face, I felt everything went to a halt.
The rain, the people around me, the sound of my heartbeat, everything stopped.
It was him. It was Chris.
His wet hair covered some of his face, but it was him.
He was wet and he was shaking.
I think he was cold.
I went to him and grabbed his coat.
I wanted to pull him out of the rain.
But he hold my hand and stopped me.
I ended up standing next to him, in the rain.
I forgot how strong he was as I looked at him.
I forgot how broad his shoulders were, how it always lures me to rest my head on them.
I forgot how beautiful his face was, how it always tempts me to put my hand on his cheek.
I forgot how deep his green eyes were, how it always makes me want to stare at them forever.
"You're late."
He said softly, enough to tell me he was sad, enough to tell him that he had missed me, enough to tell me that he wished I came sooner.
"I'm here now." I tried to smile to comfort him.
I think he didn't find it was enough.
"Kiss me." He said.
I looked at his eyes, surprised with what he said.
I tried to read what he meant by that.
Hm...
I smiled and looked down.
This is his gay chicken game again.
I felt so stupid, and hurt and slightly angry.
I felt lied to, not by him, but by my own emotions.
"I don't want to play that game anymore." I said that with my shaking voice as I kept looking down trying to hide my face from him. Even I could hear anger in my own voice.
His fingers took my chin up that my eyes were on him again.
"I stopped playing long time ago." He said plainly.
"It hurt too much at nights, I stopped playing."
It was just something in how he said it that I felt he understood what I really meant.
"Kiss me." He said it again innocently, like a little boy wanting affirmation from his dad.
He was bigger than me, slightly older than me, taller than me, yet he would say such a thing to me.
I put my hand on his face, and I felt a mix of cold rain on his warm cheek.
I moved in and he closed his eyes.
I leaned in and gently kiss his lower lip.
It was soft and quick and I didn't linger.
He didn't move.
I kissed him again, the same soft and quick kiss.
Then I moved back to watch his face.
Slowly he opened his eyes, but he wasn't looking at me.
He was just staring at my lips.
And then out of nowhere, I felt his strong arm on my waist and his palm of his other hand at the back of my neck, pulling me abruptly and strongly to him.
Our lips met, but I wasn't prepared for that. He took me by surprise.
My hands were floating in the air as I didn't know where to put them.
I was trying to see his face, but he was too close.
After a second or two, I then realised I had no other option but to surrender.
I wanted nothing more but to be taken by him.
I slowly closed my eyes and put my hands on his arms.
I squeezed his strong arms to let me know that I was with him.
I was with him, and I'm not going to go anywhere ever again.
I'll never going to fly away. Not without him.
It was typical of me, a worrier!
Not a warrior, as in a hero, but a worrier, as in somebody who just worries a lot!
The minute we broke off the kiss, all of our friends then pulled us out of the rain and greeted us with hugs and kisses, and all I did was worrying sick about what would happen next.
I didn't know whether it was me just came out of a long flight, or just being home sick, or maybe even love-sick, but I was so nervous of what's going to happen next, for Chris and I when we finally be alone again tonight.
The whole time I was faking smiles and nodding along when they were making fun of us and our kiss, while my mind wondered off to all the alternatives of what lies ahead for us. And of course, what dreaded me the most was it. SEX. I was dreading that we might have to have to sex tonight.
We're going to have sex? My Goodness!
I heard Sarah said to Chris that she thought the kiss was so romantic and how she wished that Tony her husband would do that every time she comes back from a trip. And I heard gay Alan demanding £10 from straight Alan for the bet he won of whether Chris and I would kissed or not. But in the midst of all that, my mind was so occupied with one thing only.
We're going to have SEX tonight! Chris and I are going to have SEX!
"Are you alright?"
"Hm?" I jumped a little when Chris asked me that.
I think of all people, he knows me the most that I am often caught in my own thoughts even when I'm surrounded with other people.
But I jumped a little because I couldn't believe he was standing next to me again. That I was actually hearing his voice, looking at his face and his smile. And boy, does he smile, so wide like a angel. He looked so happy. A bit wet, from the rain, but...happy.
"Yeah, no, ehm, I'm alright. I'm.. I'm just, I'm so happy to be here" I quickly snapped back to reality.
He smiled again. gay Alan was just telling us about the bet that he had with straight Alan, and while Chris looked like he was listening, I knew that he was more focusing on me. He kept stealing glances at me and smiling ever so happy. I knew I was blushing like mad, and if it wasn't because of the rain, people would have noticed it. But I had no chance at all defending myself from his look and his smile.
Our little gathering had to come to an early end despite of gay Alan's strong plead to go to a pub nearby. Tony and Sarah had to go home, straight Alan still had to go back to his office, I said that I was tired from the long flight, but only when Chris said that he was cold and needed to quickly go home to change that really made gay Alan stopped asking. But he managed to make us agreed that we all would come to the welcoming party tomorrow evening at our regular pub in the city. With that, we said goodbye to each other and then they've hailed a taxi for Chris and I to go home.
"Good evening gentlemen. Where to?" asked the polite taxi driver.
"Notting Hill Gate please." Chris answered.
"Your place?" I asked.
"Yeah, I've got to change remember, I'm so soaking wet and I don't want to catch cold and miss your party tomorrow" He said as he took of his coat.
"Didn't have our umbrella with us today, did we?" Asked the taxi driver again.
Oh great, we've got the chatty taxi driver tonight.
Chris laughed and said "No, we're just fooling around a little bit. It's a bit heavier than this morning though, I was just in the rain for few seconds and I'm soaking wet."
And they were off in their discussion about the weather, and somehow moved on to the game that got cancelled, the current score and so on.
Typical Chris, friendly and engaging as always.
I smiled while I pretended to follow their conversation. I wasn't sure why I was annoyed. Maybe because of the fact that I have just got out of a 14 hours flight, tired and cranky. Maybe because I felt it now should be my time with Chris instead this chatty old man whose meant to be concentrating on the driving anyway. Or maybe because I was just so nervous and worried about what Chris expect to happen next. I mean after all, we're going to his place instead of mine. Is this part of his plan?
For a moment I thought Chris really forgot that I was there while he was engaging the conversation that was now about Boris Johnson, the eccentric mayor of London. For a moment, I thought he had forgotten about the kiss and all the emotion that we just had.
I put my head against the soft leather seat of the taxi and I looked away to the busy streets of London, trying to remind myself that I'm back in London. It hadn't sunk in yet. I hadn't felt that I was home. I knew I was back in the country but not yet home.
Then I felt his hand squeezing my hand tighter. He was still busy talking to the taxi driver, but his hand was holding mine. In fact, I just realised that we've been holding hands and he had not let go of my hand since we were in airport. He looked at me and smiled for a second, took my hand to his lips and kissed it, and then he continued talking.
I blushed again.
I closed my eyes, and I hold his hand tighter.
All my worries just melt away.
All the frustration and weariness just disappeared.
I smiled, because I knew.
Now I'm home.
tapi agak bingung om pas part perkenalan si gay alan ama si str8 alan ... kok pertama blngnya joe ? bukannya yg nelpon gay alan..??.. ?? trus yg ditelpon itu yg rame n rumpi itu si gay alan kan .. ?? n kenapa mereka dipanggil alan dua dua nya ..??str8 joe nya gmn ?? hehe
maap msh agak bingung soalnya ....
It was a silly mistake, I first named the guys gay joe and straight joe, but then changed it to gay alan and straight alan. I felt joe was a bit too generic and too american too :-).
I think i've fixed it, but let me know if there is still any confusing part. I wrote the last 3 chapters in a hurry because I want to get to the john and chris part.
Thanks again,
hooo pantes..hahaha
ok ur welcome...
btw emang aslinya juga nama mereka sama ya ..?? hehe
But the truth is I actually have a similar friends like that, in fact i suspect they have a bit of a bromance going on, but you know, that's just another story all together :-).
:> fine ...hahaha
btw berarti udah ke detect tuh ama gaydarnya si om... :P
Chris was in the shower when I started to take my clothes off.
I wasn't that wet, but still I wanted to come out of the clothes that I was wearing during the long flight.
I was only in my shorts when he came out from the shower.
"Wow... I'm getting sex without having to buy you dinner first. I love being gay!" He said proudly.
"ha ha ha, funny..." I said sarcastically.
"Are you done with the bathroom?" I asked.
"Were you waiting for me? You could have jumped in the shower with me, you silly boy!"
"Oh no, I can't. You have to at least take me to the cinema first before I let you rub my back. I have standards you know, I'm not a slut!"
I heard him giggled as I rushed into the shower.
I took my time in the shower. I felt the need to wash all the germs from the long flight as well as my exhaustion.
I was still nervous about what's going to happen next, but there was something about him that just made me a bit relax and not overthink things.
When I came out of the shower, he was in his bed in his bathrobe. The TV was on and he had the remote in his hand, but I could see that he was asleep.
I went into bed carefully not to wake him up, turned the TV off and turned the lights off and laid next to him. After adjusting with the darkness in the room, I watched how his chest inhaling an exhaling in a such a soothing rhythm.I couldn’t see his face because he was facing the other way, but I knew he was fast asleep.
Damn!
I didn’t even get a goodnight kiss.
I admit that as much as I was worried about the possibility of having sex tonight, there was a bit of excitement from the anticipation.
But I thought it must had been a long day for him. As much as I believed that there was nothing that could fazed him, I was sure that he would have had a bit of turmoil in his heart. It’s not like one could just get out of bed, smile and say today is the day they are going to be gay.
Besides, if I really had put label on him, I wouldn’t for a minute thought he was gay. Even bisexual was too much of a stretch to describe him. I don’t know what he has for me, but I know that whatever that is, it’s not making him gay at all.
And there is also a chance it was just a phase for him, maybe like me, he was just having withdrawal syndrome from not having me around in the last 2 weeks. For all I knew, in two weeks time when things are normal again, he would changed his mind back about the whole thing.
Fuck!
He could change his mind about me when he wakes up tomorrow.
That last thought scared the life out of me.
In fact, it kept me awake the whole night.