Humour....English....a little explicit

silver285 · June 2004

Tight Spot

"In retrospect, I admit it was unwise to try to gain access to my house via the cat flap," Gunther Burpus admitted to reporters in Bremen, Germany.

"I suppose the reason they?re called cat flaps, rather than human flaps, is because they?re too small for people, and perhaps I should have realized that."

Burpus, a forty-one year old gardener from Bremen, was relating how he had become trapped in his own front door for two days, after losing his house keys. "I got my head and shoulders through the flap, but became trapped fast around the waist. At first, it all seemed rather amusing. I sang songs and told myself jokes. But then I wanted to go to the lavatory. I began shouting for help, but my head was in the hallway so my screams were muffled.

After a few hours, a group of students approached me but, instead of helping, they removed my trousers and pants, painted my buttocks bright blue, and stuck a daffodil between my cheeks. Then they placed a sign next to me which said ?Germany resurgent, an essay in street art. Please give generously? and left me there. People were passing by and, when I asked for help, they just said "Very good! Very clever!" and threw coins into my trousers. No one tried to free me.

In fact, I only got free after two days because a dog started licking my private parts and an old woman complained to the police. They came and cut me out, but arrested me as soon as I was freed. Luckily they?ve now dropped the charges, and I collected over DM3,000 in my underpants, so the time wasn?t entirely wasted."

silver285 · June 2004

Sucker for Punishment

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high
school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each
other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and
the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other
and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call
the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take
weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to
return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date
around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get
him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of
her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old
boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was
pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the
photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college,
please send more money!" and mailed the picture to HER parents