Just for read. Really, it's just for read.

Rountis

Having a quality time, with some wine and cigar.
Decided to write something, to talk to myself.

My life, is different than the common society.
It's not that I'm too unique, in fact every people's life are different.
But mine, is the minority one.

I'm bisexual.

Then what? I'm not falling for some girls or guys. It's fine.
But, it's just.. I'm the discreet one, since I don't think I can live on my own for now.
That's why, sometimes, I feel alone, since I don't have anyone to talk about this.

I feel it's really a pity when some guys put an interest on me.
Many of them are good guys, both personality and appearance. In fact, some of them are my type.
But then, I feel like, why they can be open and I'm not?
Even though I know the reason, I'm not financially strong enough to support my own life. But still, I often still feel bad about it.

About girls.. I admit it, some of them do like me.
It's not that I don't like them. It's just, normal people on my age often don't take relationship seriously, and I'm not interested on that.
Serious girls rarely make a move, but if they do, I'm still afraid to start, because I realize that I prefer guys more than girls, what if the future's not going smoothly.
That's why, I'm fine by myself.

My acquintances often label me as a strong person, can stand on my own.
For quite times, I think it's correct. But there're some moments, when I'm tired of this loneliness.
Like this time.

I have a bestfriend. She's a queen-bee. We're really close, as friend.
She always attract people even by not doing anything, that's why, she's a real queen-bee.
In fact, she's always annoyed by that. She's looking for a intellegent open-minded guy, and a guy like that are rare.

I love her as my friend, so does she.
But then, I know, we'll be apart, we'll took different roads.
When she find the guy, I'll take my leave, because no matter what the reason is, different-gender friend's just annoying.
And then, I realised, when that time comes, I'll be totally alone.

She once said "I think it's totally okay if you were gay. You can survive any circumstances."
That really made me happy. I feel accepted, for the first time.
But then, I'll lose her.
I think she's curious already, but I'll leave it like that. It doesn't matter if she finds out.
She's a good person, she'll keep it for herself.

I have a bunch of friends, but I can't feel relaxed with them.
I know, I'll look like a jerk by saying this, but this is the truth:
I always degrade myself when I talk to them. It's quite.. boring.
Like you can't talk with them because they totally not understand what you're saying, have you experienced that?
So I'll just turn them down, kill the conversation. Before I know, I'm labelled mysterious..
Well then, it's not that bad, it reduce the frequency of meeting cheap-talks.
At least, I feel relaxed when they just talk about important things.

And then, my family.
My family, always ask whether I've got a girlfriend or not.
On Imlek, I get that from every single aunts and uncles.
And I, always can't explain what I really feel.
"Just haven't found one." is always the good answer.

I don't know how their reactions will be if I tell them that I'm bisexual.
The only thing I know, they will be really disappointed..
But, I've already told my parents, that I'm not intending to be married.
They just said "It's okay, when the time comes, you'll marry someone."
I'm sorry, mom, dad. I just don't want to marry any girls.
Because you know it too, right? If you're bisexual, marrying a guy is much safer than marrying a girl.

And last, it's one of my junior.
Some juniors did confess to me, by themself, or by their friends intentionally, but this one..
She's using talk-less-do-more. I really appreciate her.
She reject all the boys who chase after her.
Before I know, her friend told me "Don't tell her I tell you this or she'll kill me, but she's totally serious about you. Please, consider her."
It really makes me depressed. I do like her, but not more than a junior.
I can't treat her as my bestfriend, since she put some feelings about me, that's not a single way I can change the way to friend-way.
And last time, her effort really touch me. But it just hurt me more..

With all of those things came, I did try to cut my wrist.
If my brother did not came, I'd be released from this burden now.
Suicide is not that bad. It's not that bad.
That's why, I don't think people who tried to commit it as a deviant. And I think that's a common thing to do.
But, this thought of mine, just can't get through society thoughts.

And I'm telling anyone who read this, it's not that I tried to escape.
It's like, I don't have any duties if my suicide succeed.
and I don't feel like living in this world anymore, since I don't find any exciting-things.
But then, it failed, so I guess I still have some duties.

My junior, she'll break down for sure, but she'll get much better life than being with me.
My family, they wouldn't know why, but that's okay, since before I transformed into this, they've never recognize me. So actually, I've never loved them.
My parents and brother, I feel bad for them, but I'll manage to tell them that I don't have problem, I'm happy living with them so far.
And my best friend would totally tolerate that, she'll know, I'm not escaping.
That's what makes me not hesitated to did that.

But for now, since I was failed, I'll just wait to find my duty and complete that, before I go to my rest.
Loneliness, I can bear it, my best friend still there after all.

And finally, I would say thanks to anyone who read this. Actually it's just what I've been feeling until now. But I can't write this with my name on, so.. take my gratitude, boyzforum.
It's not like I want a friend or anything, so actually I've just wasted your time.
Thanks for reading, hope you'll get a happy life.

Coldfreeze

Well, hope you get a happy life as well

Coldfreeze

j